Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Great god Kyphoplasty

My bride has been suffering extreme back pain from a fractured vertebra in her back caused by an accident some fifty days ago. She came to me this morning with a plaintive question concerning the caprices of the variety of medications she takes to alleviate the pain.

“Dr. Moon,” she queried, “why, after I took one white pill in the morning yesterday, was I pain free for the bulk of the day when the same routine today resulted in a strange euphoric reaction and little relief?”

I’ll admit I found the question challenging until I gave it more thought and recalled some history from long ago. After lengthy ruminations I finally had the answer.

“Dearest heart,” said I, “varying response to pain medication is not all that unusual and frequently tied to other factors of your treatment. I would urge you to review the following: when you created the recuperative ceremonial fire ring, did you prearrange the rocks of regeneration on the outside of the prayer circle? Did you then carefully intersperse the rough rocks of harsh response in interactive positions near the polished ones already in place? Did you carefully skin the bark of the Kindness Kindling for better transfer of heat to the Blessed Burls to better ignite the flames of restorative goodness?”

As she contemplated my queries, I noticed a furrowing of her brow and mimicry of the faces that puppies present when challenged with new or unusual concepts. I went on: “I had noted previously that the ritual fowl we had hung from the roof poles had been placed without regard to either ‘by the neck’ or ‘by the feet.’ The resultant blood drainage into the sacred cups is then influenced by the last contact and becomes either brain or claw oriented. This act of carelessness may indeed influence the outcome of your eventual healing.”

She immediately countered, “I have done all as is written in the traditions of our fathers and the hearts of our mothers. When I boiled the fowl and cleansed the bones, I was very careful to remove all directional impetus and replace undue influence. I then gently waved the bones over the prayer fire in a counter sundial-wise direction to exert the maximum negative force on the pain. Please keep in mind that we first met while learning all this at the feet of the Great Shaman as children.”

“Point well taken;” said I, “on the morrow we shall return to the Great Bone Healer and seek to have the sacred balloon inserted to expand the fractured juncture and replaced with the cement of certitude to retain the original position. During the ceremony, we shall offer constant supplication to the great god Kyphoplasty for his benign relief and also to the muses of Medicare and American Family for their role in assuring successful recovery.”

In His abiding love,

Cecil Moon

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