Thursday, December 31, 2009

A Successful Wrecking Ball

Granny and I were having a serious discussion this evening on the advent of the new, and hopefully, much improved New Year. The subject matter, as it often does, drifted to a more positive view of the president. After all, we do want to be fair and balanced. Basically, we settled on the proposition that no man, no matter how clumsy, could screw up absolutely everything. What then, were his major accomplishments during his 11 months in office? We scratched our collective heads and put on our thinking caps because the search would require some in-depth cogitation.

Near the top of the list is the fact that when he mistook a White House window for a door and walked into it, he managed the feat without breaking the window. That may not count because it is my understanding that windows in the White House are actually made of a clear bullet proof material which can withstand gunfire.

He managed to pick a family dog, much to the relief of animal lovers, which, even though pedigreed, is still a dog. The best part of the transaction was the fact the mutt had a European (Portuguese water dog) background and wasn’t from Africa or some Islamic country. We were all willing to overlook the fact that there are tens of thousands of dogs nationwide which are in rescue shelters and need a home. At the least now his kids have someone to chase a ball. It does raise the question of whether there is now a resident White House veterinarian on staff.

During the affirmation of the oath of office, he managed to outshine Chief Justice Roberts, who bungled the inauguration ceremony. Would we expect less from a professor of Constitutional Law?

Over the past 11 months he has done wonders to establish the brand identity of “Teleprompter” in the national awareness. In the political arena, it is a ubiquitous but highly necessary device and deserves all the attention it can get. It also provided an opportunity for another acronym; TOPUS. Here, let me be perfectly clear, it eliminates many “ers” and “uhs.” It does not, however, eliminate embarrassing questions from the floor. Oh, that’s right, they are not allowed.

In a remarkable effort to promote civility and diversity, he engineered the famous “Beer Summit” on the White House lawn. In an unusual display he was able to meld academia and law enforcement—and beer. By bringing the “guys” together in a social setting he also deflected the usual anxieties of a “town and gown” culture. One can only assume that all charges were dropped against Gates.

In a major coup, his mere presence in Denmark was able to save Chicago billions of dollars in preparing for an Olympic Games which will now not occur. They could have been saddled with major traffic problems, swollen hotel accommodations, and a severe strain on private businesses to keep up with the increased visitor load. They are now able to continue filling the Chicago River with corpses from “accidental” deaths.

In a rare demonstration of acknowledgment of local customs he made trips abroad and proved that US presidents can bow with the best of them. From vertical to an exact 90º he also served as a physical specimen that millions of Americans may well wish to emulate. His only remaining accomplishment in that department will be to remember which hand you shake when greeting Arabic rulers. I’ll not remind you why that is important. Just take my word for it.

Ever the teacher, he has educated America to the “Chicago Way.” Mired as we were with old-fashioned constitutional mandates, many in Washington have come to learn of intimidation, goon squads, strong-arm tactics, community organizing, and the ever popular “lean on him.” By associating only with the finest instructors—Ayers, Mayor Daley, Rev. Wright, Tony Rezko, et al—he was able to refine the Alinsky techniques in record time. In brief, every one in the US will become familiar with these methods.

In a continuance of “teaching moments,” he has been an inspiration to school children nationwide by inspiring them to seek the Obama-inspired arts. He took the trouble to provide teaching materials, show up in classrooms, inspire videos, have new songs and routines written and generally be a “hands on” role model. Who would not be motivated by such a charismatic leader?

In the process of becoming a populist president, he has invited ordinary citizens on White House tours to join him for a bite of breakfast. He didn’t say but it appears a good way to take the pulse of the people. No comment was available from his Secret Service protectors on the subject.

There now, don’t you feel better knowing that our president has much to recommend him? Although difficult to believe sometimes, there is a real, warm human being beneath the mantle of responsibility which is the presidency. It is amazing what you can do with a couple of beers here, and a breakfast there, to gain the confidence of the people. He might be well advised to further emphasize that approach instead of struggling with balky congress critters.

Gee whiz, I feel better now that we have had an inventory of the great things which our leader in Washington has achieved in his first year in office. Don’t you?

Have a happy new year and remember to vote this coming November. It is our civic duty.

In His abiding love,

Cecil Moon

This is cross-posted on Conservative Firestorm

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