The Reluctance Factor

The price of being an avid seeker of the truth is that of finding things you don't want to find: distasteful stuff that you'd rather sweep aside or relegate to the back of a dusty closet in your fervor to find the beautiful and the lovely.

Yesterday I was reading about Moses' commission to go back to Egypt and free the Jews. He came up with some pretty creative excuses as to why he should not take on this task, as well as his own idea as to who should go in his stead. Exodus 4. Turns out that Moses' brother Aaron got his own commission, that of spokesman for Moses; so it worked out quite well in the long run. The point is that Moses, during the transaction, demonstrated a degree of humility to the point where the Lord got rather irked with him.

Jeremiah had his own sorry excuse. "Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak; for I am a child." Jeremiah 1:6. God in His wisdom got around this pitiful reasoning, too. v.7-9. Here again we see a measure of humility and reluctance on the part of Jeremiah.

Leaping forward to the New Testament, we see a very young Mary, confronted by an angel of the Lord, receiving the rather startling news that she is to give birth the the Son of God. Luke 1. She answers by saying, "How can this be, since I am a virgin?" Or words to that effect. The angel, of course, explains that the Holy Ghost shall come upon her and Mary's response is, "be it unto me according to thy word."

Of course, we can't forget Jonah, who really didn't want to face those wicked people in Nineveh. He ran like a scared deer and jumped on a boat to escape. We all know what happened to him. We can't forget Habakkuk, who cried a lot, Sarah, who laughed a lot, and Noah, who really didn't want to figure out all those cubits. These people had one thing in common: protest in the face of the Lord's commission, varying degrees of humility, and a reverence for God.

I can't find that in Joseph Smith. In reviewing the myriad first vision accounts I see reportage, as that of a newspaper article. But nothing of the awe, fear, wonder, amazement or reluctance that these early chosen people of God experienced. I grew up in upstate New York, a Baptist, and although I wasn't even remotely acquainted with the LDS, the RLDS, or any of the splinter groups so rank in the land, I was close enough to ground zero that some of the early story seeped into my gray matter over the years. I can't remember when I didn't have a mental picture of a poor farmboy kneeling in a grove of trees, with the light pouring through the canopy above, and some sort of personage—or two—addressing him. That was pretty much it until I started exploring the limitless materials on Joseph Smith, Jr., supplied by all manner of sources, and the vision I grew up with began to grow fuzzy around the edges. In fact, the further I delve into Joseph's story the less I see of the man of God and the more I see of arrogance and self-aggrandizement. "He talked incessantly about himself, what he had done and could do more than other mortals, and remarked that he was 'a giant, physically and mentally.'" Charlotte Haven, "A Girl's Letters from Nauvoo," Overland Monthly, Dec. 1890, p. 623. "I have more to boast of than ever any man had." LDS History of the Church, vol. 7.

Please, all you devout people whom I love as brothers and sisters in the Lord, correct me if I'm wrong. It is not my intent to offend or to hurt anyone. I have spoken with an acquaintance of mine who said simply, "Oh, I don't read any of that stuff; it's all from Satan." My question is, where do we draw the line? When do we seekers stop searching? When what we read offends or frightens us? When we'd rather not believe what we read? When it doesn't fit nicely into our collage of How it Should Be?

It seems that in every case of those called by God, the further along they got in their walk with Him, the more devoted and selfless they became. Not so Joseph Smith. He seems to have forgotten the subject of the message—Jesus Christ—in his involvement with the messenger—Joseph Smith. I wonder if that is not the problem with many of our hierarchy today. Some seem to be scurrying up the ladder, pulling various and sundry groupies, "followers" and admirers along in their wake. What will be there when they reach the top? Will it be Zion? Or will it be just a lonely way station on the road to perdition?

In His love and for His sake

Jan